[ the words go through gwen like a shot and it's so stupid because even as she feels slightly like her legs are going to collapse under her and maybe she should sit on the floor for awhile, she wants to be happy for him.
she does. that's his wife and he loves her and she loves him and that's never a bad thing. it's not as if eddie had a problem with peter being around, even if gwen barely sees him anymore.
Yeah. [ he gives her a smile, tiny, entirely sad. ]
I, uh. I told her about you. About us.
[ he rubs the back of his neck, stares at his feet. this is stupid. it's stupid that he feels like a big part of his world is crumbling. it's stupid that he's a gunslinger and that this scares him after everything he's seen. ]
[ her first thought is why, but that's not very flattering to either of them. he did it because he's a good person. and they love each other and there's no reason for him to keep her a secret under those circumstances.
gwen can hold it together. she's really good at that. ]
OK.
[ she'd reach out, but she feels like her position with regards to being allowed to do that is a little precarious right now. ]
[ this is going as well as he expected. he opens his mouth to make light, say something about shelving their plans to move in together, but that's cruel and awful and he hates how sad he is about that in the first place. it's really not funny.
none of this is. ]
I wanted to tell you before you found out.
[ he breathes out. ]
I don't know what this means. Or what's going to happen. I just wanted you to know.
All right, well. That's - fair enough, I appreciate that.
[ she nods, trying to stick to civility. which isn't hard, considering how she feels about eddie. kind of amazing. she's kind of hopelessly in love with him.
but his wife's here now, so.
that probably doesn't matter as much as it used to. ]
I hope - I mean. Um. It sounds like you'll be very happy together so. I hope she likes it here.
[ it sounds so final that eddie doesn't really know what to say. it's like she's sending them off, like she's closing all the doors and putting up the walls.
and he doesn't blame her. she doesn't want to be part of his mess and he doesn't blame her.
it would be selfish of him to ask her if they can work it out, the three of them. selfish to ask for her to stay his friend, at least, because he's past the point of envisioning his life without her. he can't. but if that's what she wants, he has to. ]
Thanks. For... [ he swallows, tries to keep himself together. there's something more important he feels he should say, so he does. ] I'm sorry. [ the sorriest of sorrys, the most pleading kind, because he'd never meant to hurt her, and he knows he has. ]
[ she's sending them off because they're married and that's the right thing to do. getting between a marriage, making that work around her = the wrong thing to do.
she's not selfish. just - irritatingly sensible sometimes. ]
It's not your fault. [ she can't quite look at him while she says it, but eventually she makes herself, attempting a smile. or at the very least, holding it together. ] It's nobody's fault.
She's your family.
[ for better or for worse, she's read the books. she knows what they've meant to each other. and everything she's told herself about multiple worlds and multiple soulmates all seems a little hollow in the face of a real life susannah dean. ]
[ so are you, he very nearly says. that's what she's become, what he was looking forward to: under the same roof, it would've been as much like family as you can get.
but he doesn't say that. doesn't think it's fair when gwen's making things clear as day.
(and it is his fault, too, for letting all of this happen in the first place. he can't bring himself to wish he hadn't.)
instead of saying anything, he nods. feels completely out of place. he's trying not to look at her too long, so he doesn't tell her he loves her and make things any more difficult than they already are. he should go. he doesn't want to.
he puts his hand in his pocket, where he put the gift he'd made her and completely forgot on their date. it's a little wooden sculpture of oy. ]
I wanted to give you that. First time we went out for pizza.
[ he puts it down on the table, then shoves both hands in his pockets. ]
An Oy of your own, since he's your favorite.
[ now he needs to go, or he's going to start crying, and he hates that and doesn't want to make gwen feel bad and so he squares his shoulders and glances at the door. ]
[ for some reason, that's what does it. little wooden oy, sitting on the table. she thinks about one of their very first conversations, he'd call me EN and it'd be the cutest thing ever, before she and eddie even knew what they were to each other. at first she's just breathing hard, and then it turns almost seamlessly into crying. eddie couldn't have done it any better than if it were on purpose.
not that she thinks he would. he's not that kind of guy.
she reaches her hand up to rub her nose.
she would have been safer, probably, if oy really was her favorite. ]
Oh my god.
[ she needs to sit. or something. so she does, on the floor which is conveniently beneath her. this is probably where she's going to be for awhile now. it's good. floor is good. ]
[ he's seen a lot of terrible things in his weird, messed up life. watching gwen now manages to make itself on the list of awful things. this is all his fault, and he should've known better to think things would turn out okay. that he wouldn't hurt her. ]
Gwen...
[ it's not his job to comfort her anymore, is it. as badly as he wants to sit on the floor with her and hold her until she stops crying.
but god, he can't leave her like that. he can't. he drops to his knees next to her, puts a hesitant hand on her shoulder, tries not to cry so he doesn't take this from her. she has a reason to feel like this. he gets to go home to someone while she's gotten some of her plans for the future pulled from beneath her feet. ]
[ she got too comfortable, that's all. eddie was there for her at a time when she really desperately needed someone. he held her in his arms while she cried about the other gwen, and being dead back home. he became everything to her and quickly and she doesn't really know what to do with that. now that it's gone.
she shifts her weight a little so she's closer to eddie when he kneels, comforted by his presence even while knowing she shouldn't be. ]
It's okay.
[ it comes out quietly, and even gwen doesn't really believe it. she reaches up to put her hands on his shoulders, the touch meant to be both bracing and reassuring. ]
I love you. [ ok, no. not cool. but she got so used to saying it that it just sort of comes out. ] Go be married.
[ she really is happy for him. she knows what it means to him, to have his family around, and she couldn't possibly confuse that or stand in the way of it or anything. ]
[ his hand drops from her shoulder when she puts her hands on his. she says it's okay even though they both know it's not. she says she loves him and eddie feels a wave of guilt and shame hit him. he doesn't deserve that. he wants to say the words back but it's not fair of him, as true as they are. he hopes she knows, after the hundred of times he's told her. he hopes she knows it's not something that will change or vanish because they're apart.
he just clenches his jaw and nods, but before he stands he cups her face and presses a kiss at her forehead. its light and he lingers there longer than he should, his non vocal way to tell her he loves her, too.
then he turns stands and turns away. if he stays another second he won't be able to leave. it's already like peeling away a part of himself to leave her here like that, but he assumes he's the last person she wants to see. ]
You know where to find me, if you need [ to scream at me or throw something at my head ] anything.
[ she knows that she's doing this to herself, and that even if she wasn't he's well within his rights here. he's married and gwen knows well enough how much they mean to one another. but it's the first time she's told him she loves him and he hasn't said it back. it's so stupid to care, but she cares.
caring is so stupid.
being on the floor is stupid, but she doesn't trust herself to get up right now. ]
I know where to find you.
[ confirmed. they were going to live together. definitely don't think about it. she's supposed to have a good brain, except it's totally betraying her now. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
*INHALES* *SHRIEKS*
he steps inside, but then hesitates. they should sit down and talk, but he's restless. ]
Gwen. [ deep breath. here goes. he's just going to get out with it. ] Suze is here.
OH GOOD no this is good everything's good
she does. that's his wife and he loves her and she loves him and that's never a bad thing. it's not as if eddie had a problem with peter being around, even if gwen barely sees him anymore.
this is different. but still - something. ]
That's exciting.
no subject
I, uh. I told her about you. About us.
[ he rubs the back of his neck, stares at his feet. this is stupid. it's stupid that he feels like a big part of his world is crumbling. it's stupid that he's a gunslinger and that this scares him after everything he's seen. ]
no subject
gwen can hold it together. she's really good at that. ]
OK.
[ she'd reach out, but she feels like her position with regards to being allowed to do that is a little precarious right now. ]
no subject
none of this is. ]
I wanted to tell you before you found out.
[ he breathes out. ]
I don't know what this means. Or what's going to happen. I just wanted you to know.
no subject
[ she nods, trying to stick to civility. which isn't hard, considering how she feels about eddie. kind of amazing. she's kind of hopelessly in love with him.
but his wife's here now, so.
that probably doesn't matter as much as it used to. ]
I hope - I mean. Um. It sounds like you'll be very happy together so. I hope she likes it here.
no subject
and he doesn't blame her. she doesn't want to be part of his mess and he doesn't blame her.
it would be selfish of him to ask her if they can work it out, the three of them. selfish to ask for her to stay his friend, at least, because he's past the point of envisioning his life without her. he can't. but if that's what she wants, he has to. ]
Thanks. For... [ he swallows, tries to keep himself together. there's something more important he feels he should say, so he does. ] I'm sorry. [ the sorriest of sorrys, the most pleading kind, because he'd never meant to hurt her, and he knows he has. ]
no subject
she's not selfish. just - irritatingly sensible sometimes. ]
It's not your fault. [ she can't quite look at him while she says it, but eventually she makes herself, attempting a smile. or at the very least, holding it together. ] It's nobody's fault.
She's your family.
[ for better or for worse, she's read the books. she knows what they've meant to each other. and everything she's told herself about multiple worlds and multiple soulmates all seems a little hollow in the face of a real life susannah dean. ]
no subject
but he doesn't say that. doesn't think it's fair when gwen's making things clear as day.
(and it is his fault, too, for letting all of this happen in the first place. he can't bring himself to wish he hadn't.)
instead of saying anything, he nods. feels completely out of place. he's trying not to look at her too long, so he doesn't tell her he loves her and make things any more difficult than they already are. he should go. he doesn't want to.
he puts his hand in his pocket, where he put the gift he'd made her and completely forgot on their date. it's a little wooden sculpture of oy. ]
I wanted to give you that. First time we went out for pizza.
[ he puts it down on the table, then shoves both hands in his pockets. ]
An Oy of your own, since he's your favorite.
[ now he needs to go, or he's going to start crying, and he hates that and doesn't want to make gwen feel bad and so he squares his shoulders and glances at the door. ]
no subject
not that she thinks he would. he's not that kind of guy.
she reaches her hand up to rub her nose.
she would have been safer, probably, if oy really was her favorite. ]
Oh my god.
[ she needs to sit. or something. so she does, on the floor which is conveniently beneath her. this is probably where she's going to be for awhile now. it's good. floor is good. ]
no subject
Gwen...
[ it's not his job to comfort her anymore, is it. as badly as he wants to sit on the floor with her and hold her until she stops crying.
but god, he can't leave her like that. he can't. he drops to his knees next to her, puts a hesitant hand on her shoulder, tries not to cry so he doesn't take this from her. she has a reason to feel like this. he gets to go home to someone while she's gotten some of her plans for the future pulled from beneath her feet. ]
no subject
she shifts her weight a little so she's closer to eddie when he kneels, comforted by his presence even while knowing she shouldn't be. ]
It's okay.
[ it comes out quietly, and even gwen doesn't really believe it. she reaches up to put her hands on his shoulders, the touch meant to be both bracing and reassuring. ]
I love you. [ ok, no. not cool. but she got so used to saying it that it just sort of comes out. ] Go be married.
[ she really is happy for him. she knows what it means to him, to have his family around, and she couldn't possibly confuse that or stand in the way of it or anything. ]
no subject
he just clenches his jaw and nods, but before he stands he cups her face and presses a kiss at her forehead. its light and he lingers there longer than he should, his non vocal way to tell her he loves her, too.
then he turns stands and turns away. if he stays another second he won't be able to leave. it's already like peeling away a part of himself to leave her here like that, but he assumes he's the last person she wants to see. ]
You know where to find me, if you need [ to scream at me or throw something at my head ] anything.
no subject
caring is so stupid.
being on the floor is stupid, but she doesn't trust herself to get up right now. ]
I know where to find you.
[ confirmed. they were going to live together. definitely don't think about it. she's supposed to have a good brain, except it's totally betraying her now. ]